Experiencing Miscarriage as an Expat Missionary

Gwen Elm • Mar 09, 2021

I sat on the frigid, white-tiled bathroom floor, cradled in my husband’s arms as I wept and bled. We had arrived early at this remote hilltop resort to set up a few things up for our annual conference. Moments before we were expected to go out and greet everyone, I lost the baby we were expecting .

I walked out of the bathroom into the cold, heatless room and stared at the white sheets on the hotel bed. I wanted to be anywhere but at the hotel, surrounded by people.

Having just finished our year and a half language program, we were looking forward to annual conference that year. It felt like a time marker as we transitioned into new opportunities. By starting off with a relaxing week with our teammates, encouragement from the Word and singing praise songs in English, we felt like this was the perfect way to set the tone for the new season.

My expectations came crashing down when our sacred space was violated and took on an unexpected tone of trauma, grief and shame before the welcome dinner even kicked off. I didn’t want anyone to know my shame, and yet I found myself needing support.

Over meals I barely picked at and coffee breaks between sessions, I slowly shared with the ladies on our team. I was met with silence, a pregnancy announcement, a hug, prayer, and one close friend who just sobbed with me. A small part of me was thankful that each woman that I shared with hadn’t experienced loss in this way, but the bigger part of me ached with loneliness.

The Social Weight of Miscarriage

In the coming weeks, we decided to share with a few close South Asian friends about our loss. Sharing our vulnerability brought us closer to them, but I also learned that grief, pregnancy and fertility all have their cultural wrappings as well.

Culturally, it is expected that the couple will have a child in the first year of marriage. When the family hasn’t grown, the blame falls to the wife.

Because of daily interactions with acquaintances that reminded me of my loss (because I’m childless despite being married for nearly seven years), I believed that my local friends couldn’t care about my loss and grief. I let people’s suggestions that my husband take a second wife or that I could be taken off his hands ring loudly in my mind and heart. These were lies.

In those first few months after we lost our child, I felt like a piece or me was left at that hilltop resort. I wanted to find someone who had experienced loss exactly as I had experienced it. I believed that they had to understand everything in order to value my story.

Because none of my expat friends had lost a child abroad, I arrogantly assumed they understood nothing about my grief. I believed this lie, even though every expat has experienced grief; “goodbye” is the club motto ! Somehow, I believed my experience must be superior to any other loss or grief they had walked through.

Alone in My Arrogance

The root of my arrogance and shame was insecurity. My arrogance and full belief of these lies kept me from reaching out to the friends. I did not allow myself to bear my vulnerabilities. I felt alone and isolated because the enemy had convinced me that I was. Like a smelly onion, the Lord has been working to peel off each stinky, arrogant, and insecure layer.

One thing I have learned about grief and trauma is that everyone wades through them differently. It says in 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 that we have been given the God of all comfort so that we can comfort others. Sharing our vulnerabilities, weakness and pain allows us to build friendships .

Maybe you are reading this because you, too, have experienced the loss of a baby while abroad and you just want someone who will listen to the extra layers of grief, confusion and isolation you feel. I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced and the isolation that you feel. I wish I could sit with you and just hear your story and how much you love this baby that you won’t get to meet this side of glory.

Don’t believe the lies that you are alone, though the enemy will try and yell them as loudly as possible.

Vulnerability and Grace

Being vulnerable isn’t easy. Friends won’t respond in the way you want them to. I have learned that if there is going to be room for vulnerability in friendship, there also must be room for grace — but it’s hard to make room for both. It’s easy to focus on the aspects of your story that people won’t understand, rather than on the things that they will.

This grief you are wading in can be used for God’s glory. I know this sounds impossible, but that is what 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 says. How is He showing you His comfort so that you can be a comfort to others?

I know His promises, and I know His truth, even if I fail to cling to them some days.

I still see the months, years and milestones tick by. Cold hotel bathrooms trigger a sadness and fear in me, and annual conferences will always be slightly marred. I still have deep longings, and I still cry out for the God of all comfort to weep with me. I have moments and days of loneliness.

I have also seen God work out His promises of glory and comfort.

We Can’t Dictate His Glory

In the months following the miscarriage, I thought that this glory and comfort would take the form of a swollen pregnant belly. That’s not the way He is writing the story right now.

He has brought about His glory in much more creative ways than I originally defined. That He could bring glory to hopeless situations is truly miraculous and something that I must prod myself to look for . That He would choose my life as a canvas to paint those stories is unfathomable to me.

You can look to Him to write those stories in your life, too. I encourage you to look beyond the small definitions of hope and resolution that you have written; we serve a God who is so much bigger than we can hope to fathom.

If you are looking for helpful resources, I recommend a podcast called The Joyful Mourning by Ashlee Proffitt and the book Grace Like Scarlett by Adriel Booker. These resources have been helpful for me to come back to again and again.

By Suzanne Pearson 19 Mar, 2024
Previously on the TEAM blog, we sat down with Justin Burkholder (pictured above at left, with TEAM's Executive Director of Communications, Aaron Catlin). Justin will become TEAM’s next International Director on July 1, 2024. Justin shared about his background, family, and the journey that led him to TEAM. Check out that interview here . Today, we pick up the conversation as Justin shares how God called him to the role of International Director, and what he sees for the next chapter in TEAM’s work in the global Church. Q: How and when did you first consider applying for the position of International Director? How did the Lord reveal Himself to you as this opportunity presented itself? A: For some time, I have been evaluating how God wants me to use the gifts He has given me. Jenny and I have had a fruitful ministry in church planting in Guatemala and would happily continue doing so as God leads. However, as God blessed my efforts in TEAM leadership, there were friends and family who expressed that I should consider using my gifts in the International Director role. I don’t believe that everything necessarily rises and falls on leadership, but I do believe that it is a core component in the body of Christ. Using the gifts God has given me is a way that I want to bless the body of Christ in TEAM, making my contribution to the global purposes of God’s mission. Jenny and I spent a lot of time praying about this and decided that I should put my name in for consideration, trusting God’s guidance. We had a tremendous amount of peace throughout the entire process and were blessed by the prayer-filled process that the board undertook. Q: This is a key role in a large and complex organization, and I’m sure this was a big decision for you and your family. What were your fears or concerns? Why did you ultimately decide to accept the position? A: You say “were” like the fears have passed! I still am quite aware of my youth and inexperience - of the responsibility and weight of this role. Mostly, I’m afraid of leading an organization like TEAM in the flesh. Many of the fears that I have faced have been fears rooted in fleshly desires and concerns. I have no desire to succeed in the world’s eyes and fail in the Kingdom of Jesus. Why did I ultimately decide to accept the position? I’m convinced that the Good News about Jesus is true. The tomb is empty, Jesus is King, and the world needs to know, because Jesus is coming back. He will put things in order. He will establish righteousness, peace, and justice for all mankind, and He has commissioned His Church to proclaim and demonstrate His rule and reign. I want to use my gifts to do whatever I can to amplify the proclamation of this message and the multiplication of His Church around the world. Q: What are your goals and vision for the future of TEAM? A: This is something that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. I’m certainly not ready to present a fully-shaped vision and goals for TEAM’s future without the input of other people in different contexts in TEAM. But, I will share a few things that I think are important: First, we need to model God-Dependence . I am hopeful that as leaders in TEAM, we can continue to model God-Dependence. As Hudson Taylor said years ago “…God’s work, done in God’s way, will never lack God’s supplies.” I am hopeful that we can increase our sense of faith in God, prayer, and seeking direction from the Spirit. Secondly, we must strengthen our relational fabric . Due to the changes that we have experienced by decentralizing our home office functions, and the challenges from the pandemic, we have experienced a loss of relationships. It is imperative that we intentionally prioritize the building of relationships with one another. I plan to visit our workers and staff, and I am expectant that other key leaders and staff will be doing the same. Third, we must pursue the greater presence of the global Church. The Kingdom of Jesus Christ doesn’t look like any single geopolitical, ethnic, or racial culture. If we want to truly see the Kingdom of Jesus come on earth as it is in heaven, then we as citizens of this Kingdom must learn from one another, submit to one another, and grow with one another. The missional potential of the global Church has been unleashed by God’s Spirit since Acts 1, and we have an opportunity to learn from many brothers and sisters in Christ who can help us to better model and proclaim the Kingdom of Jesus to those who have yet to believe. Lastly, we must increase our Gospel boldness . There are still many places of great spiritual blindness and spiritual brokenness around the world. The apostolic impulse of cross-cultural organizations should call us to the to the edges of where the Kingdom of Jesus is not penetrating. Whether spiritual blindness and brokenness exists because of lack of access, idolatry, injustice, or any other myriad of reasons, I prayerfully hope to see more and more TEAM workers continue to move into spaces of great Gospel need.
By Suzanne Pearson 08 Mar, 2024
Through God-ordained partnerships and creative connections, TEAM worker Keith Moore sees the global Church advancing in amazing ways. In the global missions landscape, a phrase that comes up often is “from everywhere, to everywhere.” God is calling His global Church in literal new directions, as He raises up cross-cultural workers to be sent from places that were once on the receiving end of missions work. We call this movement “polycentric sending.” TEAM workers Dawn and Keith Moore have seen first-hand this transition taking place. Their story involves the unlikely but beautiful intersection of Charlotte, North Carolina; Tegucigalpa, Honduras; and Memphis, Tennessee...and beyond. The Path to Honduras Keith and Dawn joined TEAM in 1991 and served as church planters for nine years in Bogota, Colombia. After safety concerns precipitated their return to the States in 1999, they knew they wanted to continue serving in Latin America. The Moores felt called to Honduras but wanted to connect with a strong missional church to help send them. The Lord orchestrated a collaboration with Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis, Tennessee. “Some people asked, ‘Why Honduras? Missionaries have been there for 100 years. It’s already reached,’” Keith says. “But there’s a whole section of Latin America that had not been reached - the upper crust.” Keith goes on to explain that he and Dawn felt called to reach college-educated professionals in Honduras – a ministry vision that resonated with the missional goals of Bellevue Baptist. Impact and Growth With the support of this new church partnership as well as another sending church in Birmingham, Alabama, the Moores embarked on their next adventure. Keith and Dawn started Impacto Honduras Church from scratch, and in less than 20 years, the church grew into four locations with 1600 total members. The Moores and other TEAM workers also created a “Bible school” type training program to help professionals who feel a call to ministry to make that transition. Throughout this period of explosive growth, church partnerships played an integral role. “It’s such a different vision when you have a church that says, ‘OK, this is our deal, we want to make this happen,’” Keith explains. “They helped us with everything. They took away every single obstacle to growth. Every time we needed something, they were there.” In 2017, the Moores once again found themselves on the verge of another decision. Was it time to leave Honduras? “I had no desire to leave,” Keith recalls. “People were coming to Christ every week! It was just so amazing.” However, back in the U.S., Keith and Dawn’s parents were in their 80s and would soon be in need of more care. “We realized that either we would leave in a crisis, or we would leave strategically,” says Keith. The couple began to implement a careful succession plan. By the time they left, the four churches were established with strong, Honduran leadership ready to carry on the work of the Gospel.
Share by: